A “Metaphor Menu” for People Living with Suicidal Thoughts

Feeling suicidal happens daily, sometimes I battle it for hours.

When I feel suicidal there’s no fight in me. I don’t fight. It just kind of takes control. And when I think about reasons not to kill myself, I wouldn’t say it was like having a fight. It’s more guilt than fight.

Usually, I manage to get on top of things because I know enough about how the brain works that I can implement changes.

I’ve had dark periods of time, but I’ve managed to get through them.

Suicidal thoughts are like a cloud hanging over me all the time, and even when life tries to bring sunshine, it just can’t get through that cloud. But the clouds eventually move bit by bit and light can get through.

As I live with not wanting to live, I sometimes feel like I exist in the shadows, or that I’m a kind of shadow version of myself.

Feeling suicidal is like being in a very deep well, a pit that’s grey and dark, and you can’t get out of it, and you can’t do anything, you can’t think about anything else.

Now I don’t go down that rabbit hole too much, because that’s what suicidal thoughts can be like, rabbit hole-esque, seductive.

My depression is like being trapped in the middle of a long unlit tunnel without knowing which end was closest, I’m treading water, I don’t know how long until it’s completely flooded. Which direction do I swim? How long can I hold my breath?

Feeling suicidal, it’s like everything around is so busy but you’re walking through chaos, everything’s kind of washing over you, everything’s really busy, everything’s chaotic, but there’s almost a sense of still.

I think it’s really important to talk about suicidal thoughts in a way that doesn’t put pressure on people, that acknowledges and celebrates the really tiny small steps.

By even referring to the experience of suicidal thoughts as a journey, it implies there’s a route and it implies there’s an end to that route as well, that could be a positive end.

When I’m suicidal, I definitely feel this big sense of just wanting to just stop, to turn myself off.

When I experience suicidal thoughts it’s almost like I’ve got a tab that’s always open, rather than thoughts popping into my head.

When the suicidal thoughts are intense, all I want is a chance to be free of the noise in my head, to be free of ‘me’. I’m so overwhelmed I just want everything to stop.

When things get overwhelming for me, it’s almost like there’s always this option d of ‘well if things get too bad, I’ve just always got that as an out if I need to’.

Feeling that way, taking my own life, became the only option in my head, the only option really in terms of a way forward.

When I decided on suicide, it’s almost like everything lifted, it was a huge sense of relief. I just felt like there was a way out now.

I feel done with attending to basic needs like eating and sleeping, all I ever want to do is sleep, I feel like a creature that I have to keep alive.

The suicidal thoughts are very intrusive and unwanted. It’s just like something else there intrudes on me, and I don’t want it there. Most of the time I don’t want to end my life, but when I do it’s that I just can’t cope with this or the situation.

When I experience suicidal thoughts, I can feel a bit like a ghost, like I feel everyone exists around me, but I’m not part of the world, a kind of depersonalisation.

I describe the experience of living with suicidal thoughts as being in so much pain, like a terminal pain, and I need to end the pain.

Feeling suicidal brings immense pain, it’s unbearable, it feels like death would be a relief, but I also feel scared of the possible physical pain of suicide and how long it would take.

When I’ve felt suicidal in the past it’s like I’ve transcended the pain that led me down this path in the first place. There’s a kind of numbing effect. It’s like they say that if you burn to death then fairly early on in the process all of your pain receptors are burnt away so you no longer feel it.

When I experience suicidal thoughts, I feel quite heavy, I feel quite weighted down.

I describe it as feeling like a burden. When I was younger, I didn’t want to be a burden on other people.

When I decided on suicide, I felt very light and I felt a lot of ease from it, from making the decision. Luckily, I now have medication and support.